Who takes the trash out at my house? Well, the children do, of course. And I clean the bathrooms, and my husband makes the bed. That’s how our family manages to clean our large home in only a couple of hours each week without hiring a cleaning lady. More specifically, we have a system—built over 19 years of marriage—that’s working for us.
On our second date, my husband-to-be hooked me by making me homemade breadsticks. He could cook and bake. I knew that this was one home task we could share. When I visited the bathroom in his bachelor apartment, I knew that was one cleaning task I would have to take over.
I think that’s how the system started. He picked up the tasks he liked to do, and I naturally left those to him. I didn’t balk about the rest, I just encouraged him in what he was already doing.
My father-in-law helped me to resist resentment when he gave us this advice at our wedding shower, “Paul, pick up your socks. Teresa, pick up Paul’s socks.”
What he meant was, “Son, I expect you’ll be a man and take care of your own messes. Daughter-in-law, when he occasionally forgets, don’t fret, just pick up the socks for him.”
Our system grew on those expectations—expectations that we are all contributing to the mess, that we will all pitch in to clean, and inevitably, we will all neglect something once in a while.
When we had children, and I was home more than he was, I did more of our housework during the day while he worked at a full-time job. He still made meals on the weekends, completed big house tasks and filled in with the nasty stuff like emptying dirty diaper pails.
Along the way, we taught our little kids to work. They thought it was fun to wipe the sink with a rag. When it wasn’t fun anymore, I made job charts and gave stickers when they met the expectations. Now that they’re all teens and tweens, they each have a daily and weekly list. I ask a couple of times a week if they’ve “done their jobs,” and more often than not, they follow through.
Building a system eliminates the tension between my husband and me over who takes care of the housework. We all know the system and just follow it. By example and delegation, we’re raising a son and daughters to know how to cook a meal, sew on a button or iron a shirt and clean a toilet. That’s going to make either gender more attractive to a future spouse. It did for me.
Teresa Hirst is a Midwest girl who grew up in St. Louis, Missouri, and now lives in central Minnesota in the home of her dreams designed by her architect-husband. More important than what it looks like, though, is how it feels inside when she’s with her husband and three children. Her emotional passion drives her to create in the kitchen, the garden and at her computer. She hopes to Illuminate the Everyday at her blog at tjhirst.com and publish her first manuscript, a work of fiction that explores the nurturing nature of women.
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Oh, I love your father-in-law. What a wise man. But give yourself credit too. You willingly followed his advice. Nice post. Thanks so much.
At this point in my life, your father-in-law’s advice makes sense to me. Although as a newlywed, I would have been very annoyed to hear that!
I’m learning there is a time and a season for chores. Sometimes I have been completely capable of handling everything and other times (now), I can barely get the dishwasher unloaded. My husband certainly steps in for me when I can’t take care of things. I think I need to have a better attitude when I have to step in for him.
Those were some really nice posts from others. I find your writing very intriguing and so I have subscribed to the e-mail notification and besides all that you are my favorite daughter along with my other four favorites.
Love,
Dad
As always nice to read your writing. I like your way of putting things. And a very timely subject since our family has recently had our own discussions about such things.